This play by Judythe Guarnera was the first place fiction winner in the 2023 Golden Quill Writing Contest.
Cast:
Protagonist: X-Wife: Judy
Strictly Moral Conscience SMC Dennis
Sympathetic Techie Conscience STC Steve
NEUTRAL NARRATOR NN JUDY
Scene: X-Wife’s Living Room
Day: All Hallows Eve
ACT ONE
Time: Shortly before dusk
X-Wife: Damn, I wish he was dead.
SMC: Whoa, wait a minute. You’re talking about the father of your kids.
X-Wife: I don’t care! He’s unreasonable, mean, a cheat, despicable, demeaning, dastardly…(sob), and he broke my heart.
SMC: When you married him, didn’t you say he was the love of your life?
X-Wife: Yeah, so? He’s not anymore. I hate his guts. I can’t stand the sight of him. He makes me…angry, so angry.
SMC: Really? Or are you just spouting off because he’s got a new girlfriend.
X-Wife: And that’s another thing. The ink on the divorce papers isn’t even dry yet and he’s banging some teenage floozie. I hate him. I wish he was dead, dead, dead!
SMC: Now, now, you can’t mean that. What would you do if he showed up dead? Wouldn’t you feel guilty? Like you caused him to die?
X-Wife: Heck no! I’d be happy, soooo relieved. No one would miss him if he were gone—he’s such a loser—and least of all me—I wouldn’t miss him even a tiny iota. Why can’t he be dead?
STC: Okay, take a breath. Think how devastated your kids would be if he died—and his girlfriend, his mother, his siblings? We’ve gotta come up with some other way to get him out of your hair.
X-Wife: Hmm. Maybe. But it would have to be a surefire way. No getting rescued and showing up at my door again.
STC: Wait a minute. I just read something. Hang on. Ah, here it is.
X-Wife: Okay, okay. Whaaat? Tell me. The suspense is awful.
SMC: This isn’t some kind of dark magic, is it? I can’t let you perform dark magic.
X-Wife: Puh-leeze. Let’s just see what he has to say. Aren’t there ways to sanitize dark magic?
STC: Okay, listen to this. There’s a spell you can put on someone who’s causing you pain.
SMC: I told you. No. Dark. Magic.
X-Wife: Moral Conscience, you’re such a dweeb. Why do you always think the worst? No one said it was Dark Magic. Go ahead, Techie.
STC: Well, this has several steps. You list everyone—in his whole lifetime—who ever knew the person you want to disappear, and you put a spell on them, so they forget he ever existed—no memories, no broken hearts, no anguish, no pain—no loss.
Next, you put a spell on the person you want to disappear—in this case, your ex- husband and he…he disappears. It says he goes off to some nice kind of place— like a first-class lounge at the airport. He has every comfort, including an unlimited bar tab, and he forgets his previous life entirely. He can party all day and all night. You said that’s what he likes to do, isn’t it? And there’s always new people popping up that he can hook up with.
X-Wife: Sounds intriguing. And you’re sure nobody would miss him or shed tears over him being gone or anything?
STC. That’s what it says.
SMC: Oh, this is so bad, so, so Black Magicky. How can you even think of doing this?
X-Wife: Oh, stow it Moral Conscience. I like this more and more. Does it cost me anything—money, or my house or—or anything? And you’re sure I won’t go to jail?
STC: Good question. Let me check.
NN: Techie bends over his tablet and reads, his lips moving and his finger following the words on the screen. He looks up, but says nothing, his eyes cross, his hands shake.
X-Wife: Uh, oh. I knew there had to be a hitch.
N: AS TECHIE SHUDDERS, X-Wife CLUTCHES HER HEART.
X-Wife: Come on, tell me. The suspense is killing me—ooh, bad choice of words.
STC: Well—there’s no downside—as long as the spell doesn’t slip. If it slips and someone, besides the person who dispatched him, remembers him, he comes back as though he’d never been gone and, and—he resumes his old life. He’s back to your kids, his other family members, his girlfriend…
X-Wife: Dang and then he’d be driving me crazy again.
STC: N…n…not really.
NN: TECHIE REFUSES TO LOOK AT X-WIFE.
X-Wife: Why not? What am I missing?
STC: Funny you should say missing. If someone remembers him, it means the spell had a weak link—it slips—and when he comes back, whoever disappeared him, you in this case, takes his place. You disappear and no one remembers you.
X-Wife: No one, not even my kids or my sister or my best friend?
STC: Sorry, that’s what it says.
X-Wife: What if that spell slips and someone remembers me? Then I come back and he’s gone again. Right?
STC: Sorry again. The spell only works twice. If it happened like you described, you’d still be gone forever.
X-Wife: What? Oh, good lord, what happens then?
STC: When you disappear, you wouldn’t go to the First-Class lounge with all the good food and drinks, and entertainment. You’d just disappear—forever.
NN: Moral Conscience STANDS THERE DURING THE RECITATION OF THIS NEW DEVELOPMENT, A HORRIFIED LOOK DISTORTS His FACE. HE TURNS TO TECHIE)AND SAYS IN A WHISPER:
SMC: What about heaven? Wouldn’t she go to heaven?
STC: Are you kidding me? I think she’d better just hope she’s gone, period, disappeared, impossible to locate—instead of burning in, you know—hell.
NN: TECHIE AND X-Wife BOTH GASP. SHE SINKS INTO A CHAIR. THE QUESTIONS SPINNING IN HER HEAD IMMEDIATELY PROPEL HER OUT OF THE CHAIR. HER HORRIFIED EYES TEAR AROUND THE ROOM, LOOKING FOR SOMETHING. SHE TAKES A BREATH.)
X-WIFE: Okay, let’s run through that one more time…
SMC: You can’t really be considering this? Dark Magic! What if it doesn’t work and he’s in pain, and he…
X-WIFE: Now that sounds even more enticing. In pain, huh?
STC: It says here the spell works 95% of the time.
X-Wife: See there, Moral Conscience, 95% of the time. That’s good, right?
SMC: Yeah, right. After all, you fell in love with this schmuck, thinking he was a good deal and all. Seems like your luck ran out on that one. You’ll probably be one of the 5% that it fails for.
X-WIFE Ninety-five to five odds—sounds good to me. Nothing’s going to slip. What do I do first?
The Scene Fades
ACT TWO
Slightly Later
NN: MORAL CONSCIENCE IS NOWHERE IN SIGHT. THE PANIC HE LEFT BEHIND IS PALPABLE. X-Wife IS FLITTING AROUND THE ROOM, ANXIOUS TO BEGIN.
STC: I wish your Moral Conscience were here. You know I’m not a huge fan of Dark Magic, either, don’t you?
X-WIFE I know, but we’ve talked about this. My ex really is a first-class slug. You know the world would be better off without him. And I would be, too. You love me. Don’t you want me to be rid of this blight on my life—to be happy again?
STC: Yes, yes, of course, I do. And, like you said, it’s not like anyone would grieve for him because memories of him would disappear just like he would. Okay, let’s see what the next step is.
NN: THE TWO POUR OVER THE INSTRUCTIONS ON THE TABLET. THEY READ THAT THEY’LL NEED A FEW STRANDS OF HIS HAIR, HIS ID, AND PICTURES AND CONTACT INFO FOR ALL THE PEOPLE WHO’VE KNOWN HIM WELL.
WITH THE ARRIVAL OF THE PANDEMIC, THEY REALIZE THE BROAD USE OF ZOOM WILL ENABLE THEM TO GET EVERYONE VIRTUALLY IN THE SAME PLACE AT THE SAME TIME.
ON THE PRETENSE THAT SOMEONE IS PLANNING A PARTY FOR HIS FIFTIETH BIRTHDAY, EVERYONE RESPONDS TO THE ZOOM. THEY CANNOT SEE THE BLACK MAGIC ALTAR THAT’S BEEN SET UP IN THE BACKGROUND WITH KEY ITEMS FROM HIS LIFE.
UNBEKNOWNST TO THE PARTICIPANTS, Techie, WHO HAS RELUCTANTLY PRACTICED FOR HOURS, PUTS EVERYONE UNDER A SPELL AND ERASES X-Wife’s HUSBAND COMPLETELY FROM THEIR MEMORIES—AS WELL AS THEIR MEMORY OF THE ZOOM. EVERYONE IS BACK WHERE THEY WERE BEFORE THE ZOOM, JUST GOING ABOUT THEIR BUSINESS.
ACT THREE
Time: One Week Later
SMC: It sounds like the spell worked.
NN: UNABLE TO STAY AWAY FROM DOING HER JOB, MORAL CONSCIENCE HAS RETURNED.
X-WIFE: I think so. Hard to tell. His spousal support check didn’t come.
STC: What will you do without his check?”
X-WIFE: OMG, I never thought about that. What will I do?
STC: Gee, maybe you’ll have to get a job.
SMC: Now, Techie, don’t be mean. Can’t you see X-Wife is upset?
STC: Well, at least I didn’t say I told you so.
ACT FOUR
Time: Six Months Later
NN: X-WIFE HAD TO GET A JOB AT A CONVENIENCE STORE. SHE IS ALWAYS EXHAUSTED.
X-WIFE: The spell worked just like it was supposed to. No one has mentioned my ex. It’s like he never existed. I had the weirdest thought today, though. If he never existed, wouldn’t my kids have disappeared, too? And why do I still have this house—he bought it…or my car? If they didn’t disappear, why did my spousal support checks disappear?
STC: I think we’ve got a slip here. If so, one can only wonder what’s next?
SMC: X-Wife, are you regretting that you dispatched him to another world?
X-WIFE : No! No! Well, maybe a little.
SMC: Do you really think he’s happy in that big lounge wherever it is?
X-WIFE Who cares? Oh heck, who am I kidding? I should never have done this. I thought he was such a pain. …is there anything…
STC: Sorry, there are no do-overs, right Moral Conscience? X-Wife, you’re responsible for what you did, and you’re stuck with the consequences.
X-WIFE I’ve got a headache. I’m going to bed. Maybe I’ll dream of a way to fix this.
ACT FIVE
Time: Tomorrow
NN: X-Wife LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW AND NOTICED HER EX’S DOG DIGGING IN THE YARD. HE’D DISAPPEARED AT THE SAME TIME AS HIS MASTER, BUT SHE HADN’T GIVEN IT MUCH THOUGHT. AS SHE WATCHED, THE DOG CAME ACROSS SOMETHING AND PAWED IT FRANTICALLY. HE UNCOVERED A BALL her EX Had USED WHEN HE PLAYED CATCH WITH HIM. BOTH HAD REALLY ENJOYED IT.
SMC: How sweet. Look at the dog. He’s licking the ball and circling around it, as though he’s waiting for someone to play catch with.
NN: THE DOG SITS BACK ON HIS HAUNCHES, RAISES HIS HEAD, AND HOWLS AS THOUGH HE’s LOST HIS BEST FRIEND. X-Wife RUNS TO THE WINDOW.
AN EERIE WAIL SEEMS TO ENCIRCLE HER. SHE THINKS ABOUT THOSE MOVIES WHERE SOMEONE DESCRIBES FEELING DISEMBODIED. WELL, SHE FEELS REALLY STRANGE. SHE COULD SEE HER ARMS AND LEGS, BUT AS SHE LOOKS, THEY BEGAN TO FADE.
FOR JUST A SECOND, SHE CATCHES A GLIMPSE OF THE BACKYARD. HER EX STANDS THERE. HE THROWS THE BALL AND THE DOG, YIPPING, AND YAPPING, CHASES AFTER IT, RETRIEVES IT, AND DROPS IT AT HIS MASTER’S FEET, HAPPILY DROOLING ALL OVER HIS SHOES.
THE SCENE FADES. X-WIFE, DISEMBODIED, FLOATS THROUGH A HEAVY MIST. FEAR CATCHES HER AROUND HER WAIST AND HEAVES HER INTO SHEER BLACKNESS.
X-WIFE I thought it had to be a person who remembered my ex to bring him back. But a…a dog…
NN: HER VOICE FADES AWAY. SHE HEARS MORAL CONSCIENCE SOBBING AND A MIRTHLESS LAUGH EMANATING FROM TECHIE.
STC: She wouldn’t listen. After the first slip, I told her…the spell slipped once. I warned her…
NN: X-WIFE REACHES UP AND TOUCHES HER EYEBROWS AND HAIR, WHICH FEEL WARM AND SMELL CHARRED. THIS WAS THE PRICE SHE’D HAVE TO PAY FOR MAKING THAT CHOICE.
YES—FOR TOMORROW AND FOR ALL ETERNITY.
Judythe Guarnera, author of Twenty-Nine Sneezes, has been published in twelve anthologies (four of which she edited) and four in Chicken Soup for the Soul books. Besides writing monthly columns for SLO NightWriters and other writing organizations for twelve years, she presents regularly at their meetings. She has facilitated critique groups and coaches and edits writers’ work.
Judythe and her husband, Steve Kliewer, collaborated on writing and publishing the Tales of the Sierra series, which included Treasures of the Sierra, and Living in the Sierra. Stronger Together, the first in her Connection Series, is a sampling of twenty years of her writing which focuses on the value and importance of connecting with other people and things.